Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
