I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
