I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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