im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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