Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
