he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
