then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
