The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
