just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
