Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
