tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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