i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
