the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize