3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
