just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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