then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
