My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
