ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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