Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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