And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
