i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
