You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
