Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
