note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
