i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
