idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
