You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
