My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
