Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
