Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
