in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
