guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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