i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
