Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
