I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
