There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I have post one night stand depression
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