I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
