we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
