that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
