So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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