his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
