the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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