i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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