I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
