I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
