I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize