Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Im part way to drunk.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
