why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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