Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
