I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
