finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
