Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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