I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
