she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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