I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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